6/30 hardest thing

Let me see the hardest thing I have ever experienced. 

*phew* ok here it goes. 

When I was 12/13 I was bullied to the point where I became anorexic, I didn't need to be hospital or anything but it caused enough stress on my body to give me ulcers in my bowel. Which is called Ulcerative Colitis. That caused me so much pain and bled alot. Most of my teenage years were spent in hospital or isolated at home. That was 10 years of my
life. Normal I know now is a lie that society tries to pedal to teenagers, but I never felt normal and on occassion I still feel that I'm on the outside, I'm looking in, I can see through you, see your true colours. Odd that the lyrics that I thought of then were from the song that used to chill me out all those years ago. (outside staind)

When I turned 21 I decided to have a colectomy which is where they take out the infected part of your bowel. I was a whining little cow I had no motivation to push myself to be able to recover quicker and become stronger. I wallowed in self pity, I still get like that now but I have to stay strong 'unt try to hold on' (lol) I'm trying to prevent myself from becoming that horrible person again, I want to be the happy, bubbly person who my husband fell in love with.

It may take awhile but I'm now determined more than ever for it to work.

5/30 happy happy happy

This surely should be easy, 5 things that make me happy.

1. Steven of course.

2. Connor I love my nephew.

3. My family they are my security blanket so to speak.

4. My friends they rock.

5. My knitting and Christmas, the two come hand in hand.

4/30 16 year old self

Ok 10 things I would tell my 16year old self hmmm?

1. Don't ever let someone cheat on you, you deserve so much more than that.

2. Don't let alcohol mess up your education, you don't want to be paying for education you could have got for free.

3. It's the little things that will upset you, once you learn to let them go you will be happy.

4. Follow your passions, don't stop writing poetry, gets you in waaaay less trouble than self harming.

5. Learn to love your body or to stop whinging about it and do some god damn exercise.

6. Don't waste your time on people who make you feel bad about yourself they aren't worth your time.

7. Give yourself time to think about what you really want from life, don't rush in.

8. Don't take your grandparents for granted they wont be around forever.

9. Learn to drive as soon as you can, its worth it in the long run.

10. Learn photography.

3/30 rents..

Ok well I have a Mam and a Dad, Allison and Stuart. Not a mum and a dad but a Mam and Dad. We are a northern family so it's just a thing we say 'cos us northerners rule! 

I would say I'm fairly close to my parents I ring them for random chats whenever I'm on my own or down. My mam tends to be at work when I do these calls and my dad well he just hates them! I put him on my magic numbers where I get 2 1/2 hours free to his number he was devastated lol.  We never used to be like this though. 

My mam didn't like the way I was living my life as I had been ill for years and when I got control over it I was a rebel without a cause, getting drunk all the time, I threw my education away with it. We were never particularly close but over the years we have got better and all the women on my mothers side including myself and my sister have what's known as 'the bennington laugh' basically we laugh and talk at the same time which to the men sounds like insane nonsense but we all understand each other. I can have the most random conversations with my mam, because she is mental and has the biggest potty humour of anyone I know. Very 'Mrs Brown's Boy's'. If you have never heard of it youtube it.

If you read my previous 30 things post you would already have an idea about my relationship with my dad. It wasn't the best of relationships. We are very much alike, we can't abide morons, we always seem to speak with a tone of indignation, we both have to be right etc. But I moved out at 18 and we get on so much better since we weren't living in each others pockets as it were. We have the same humour and like the same stuff. If I need to whinge at someone and Steven isn't around it's my dad I ring and get his advice on stuff which tends to be 'oh I don't know ask your mother' on most things.

But all in all, since I moved out and then got married my relationship with them both is much better and I know they will always be there for me and that's the main thing right?

This is me and my rents on mine and Stevens wedding day the second photo has Steven in too. <3

My scarf is done!

Whoo only took me 5 days of work and one 200g ball of chunky variegated wool but its done! After a few mess up's at the start and when I was half way through casting off I ran out off wool! Which meant I had to pull out 4 rows just so I could cast off! Nightmare! I have like 5 more to do aswell! I have pictures to show you but be nice I have been on a gruelling 12 hour shift and it was taken at 10.30pm with no make up and my hair a birds nest lol! 

creepshow mother bitches

Was just finally uploading my photos from the Creepshow gig I went to in York with fat boi at the beginning of the month, and thought why not post some of them here?

So me and fat boi went off to York to see the Creepshow that has been established. We also had cocktails at the evil eye lounge. We met the band! You can see photos if you don't believe me. I not only met the band I created a mosh pit with Kenda the lead singer, they dedicated their song 'the garden' to me and they dedicated their last song to me and fat boi which was 'rue morgue radio', I even got Kenda's airline ticket which she got the band to sign. They signed a towel which the bouncers stole off me. Fat boi got hit on by the bar maid but he forgot to get her last name and her number dumbass... 

2nd best night of my life that was first being my night do at my wedding. I've seen some  of my favourite bands  and this by far was the BEST gig I've ever been too!                                   

2/30 fears!

Okie cokie so three fears and why. That's quite hard I'm scared of a few things but most are irrational and I have no real reason for them. But I'm thinking hard as I'm typing.

Well first and foremost I think would be losing Steven, no not being alone or single (although that would suck) it's more he is wanting to join the Para regiment of the army. I was dead set against it, like really abhorred the idea. But now I cant wait even though I would be moving away from my family and friends, there is the chance I could go to university. But back to the fear, you hear nearly everyday of a soldier dying and even though Steven would be in more of an elite regiment from what I gather, there's still a chance he will die. Sure we all die and even though it's expected it's never necessarily how we want it. Although Steven has said we are going to die together in bed asleep, that our he has to go first as he wouldn't be able to cope. Defeats the object doesn't it? Silly boy.

So second fear that isn't completely irrational is probably depths, nope not height or water just depths. I LOVE deep water to an extent, if I can grab something not too far away you know like at a pool that's fine, but as soon as I'm unable to do so or I'm in the sea and who ever I'm with is too far away I freak. It all boils down to 3 separate events in my life the first was when I was about 7 I was in swimming lessons and we were told to get into the water off the ledge, I slipped and was under the water for what felt like age in reality it was probably 10seconds. The second was at a beach with my family I went in the sea the waves crashed over me by some rocks, I still sometimes think I feel it happening again even when I'm not in water. My aunty said she thought I was swept off, funny that I don't remember seeing her position move from where she was beforehand but anyway I'm here now. The third time I jumped off the middle diving board and as I was coming back up I was beginning to need to breath badly and that water was something like 10m deep or more. So yeah I don't fair well in deep water due to depth.

Right the third and final one this is hard haha alot harder than I thought. Maybe the feeling that I'm never good enough for someone and I am always inadequate. I'm always in fear that if I let people in and they see the 'real' me they freak and think I'm being stalkery. It could just be labelled as paranoia but its so deep rooted in me I feel like its something I'm never going to be able to let go. My dad growing up was there for us he taught us to fish, ride bikes, helped us with homework -  he was great till he got I dunno overly  tired and he would lash out at me, my mam. School noticed it was that bad. I used to read the same books as my dad, listen to the same music, like the same subjects as he did. He used to get told that I was a delight to talk to because I could have mature adult conversations from such a young age. Don't get me wrong I love my dad, I do genuinely love metal and rock and discworld books and history. But until I was 17 I thought my dad hated me, like despised me. (he doesn't, I know this now) But I used to self harm which is one of the reasons I left/got kicked out. I get this over whelming urge to cut myself whenever I feel inadequate or I have upset someone. Pathetic huh? I know I'm not alone loads of people have been through and felt what I have but it doesn't make it feel any less scary.

Well there you go a look into the messed up psyche of me, however that was quite cathartic to put it down in black and white.