Okie cokie so three fears and why. That's quite hard I'm scared of a few things but most are irrational and I have no real reason for them. But I'm thinking hard as I'm typing.
Well first and foremost I think would be losing Steven, no not being alone or single (although that would suck) it's more he is wanting to join the Para regiment of the army. I was dead set against it, like really abhorred the idea. But now I cant wait even though I would be moving away from my family and friends, there is the chance I could go to university. But back to the fear, you hear nearly everyday of a soldier dying and even though Steven would be in more of an elite regiment from what I gather, there's still a chance he will die. Sure we all die and even though it's expected it's never necessarily how we want it. Although Steven has said we are going to die together in bed asleep, that our he has to go first as he wouldn't be able to cope. Defeats the object doesn't it? Silly boy.
So second fear that isn't completely irrational is probably depths, nope not height or water just depths. I LOVE deep water to an extent, if I can grab something not too far away you know like at a pool that's fine, but as soon as I'm unable to do so or I'm in the sea and who ever I'm with is too far away I freak. It all boils down to 3 separate events in my life the first was when I was about 7 I was in swimming lessons and we were told to get into the water off the ledge, I slipped and was under the water for what felt like age in reality it was probably 10seconds. The second was at a beach with my family I went in the sea the waves crashed over me by some rocks, I still sometimes think I feel it happening again even when I'm not in water. My aunty said she thought I was swept off, funny that I don't remember seeing her position move from where she was beforehand but anyway I'm here now. The third time I jumped off the middle diving board and as I was coming back up I was beginning to need to breath badly and that water was something like 10m deep or more. So yeah I don't fair well in deep water due to depth.
Right the third and final one this is hard haha alot harder than I thought. Maybe the feeling that I'm never good enough for someone and I am always inadequate. I'm always in fear that if I let people in and they see the 'real' me they freak and think I'm being stalkery. It could just be labelled as paranoia but its so deep rooted in me I feel like its something I'm never going to be able to let go. My dad growing up was there for us he taught us to fish, ride bikes, helped us with homework - he was great till he got I dunno overly tired and he would lash out at me, my mam. School noticed it was that bad. I used to read the same books as my dad, listen to the same music, like the same subjects as he did. He used to get told that I was a delight to talk to because I could have mature adult conversations from such a young age. Don't get me wrong I love my dad, I do genuinely love metal and rock and discworld books and history. But until I was 17 I thought my dad hated me, like despised me. (he doesn't, I know this now) But I used to self harm which is one of the reasons I left/got kicked out. I get this over whelming urge to cut myself whenever I feel inadequate or I have upset someone. Pathetic huh? I know I'm not alone loads of people have been through and felt what I have but it doesn't make it feel any less scary.
Well there you go a look into the messed up psyche of me, however that was quite cathartic to put it down in black and white.
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